The Avian Conspiracy

For many years now birds and I have had a "special" relationship. It is an affair that has lasted for twenty plus years and usually follows the same routine, they attack me and I run away. In light of recent events, I must put forward to a jury of my peers, that these egg-laying, diseased-carrying, warm-blood vertebrate must be stopped in their grand scheme of suffering and pain. 

If only I were joking! No, it has been quite sometime now that I have believed that their continued assault has been planned. It has been strategically thought out and initiated over a series of decades. Their aim has been to prolong my suffering and heighten my fear, but to what ends? It is simple, they need to dominate one of our kind in attempts to further their own ambitions for world domination. Forget the Chinese, forget the Americans, we have a problem here people and it's in our own backyard! We have Swans acting like authoritarian bigots, parading around with their sleek black or white feathers in stark contrast to their environment. We have Peacocks, fanning themselves up on high, demanding attention when they would sooner disembowel you than let you pass. We have Swallows who lead the aerial division, forming tactical manoeuvres on the unsuspecting masses below. It is a war people, they have the advantage. They have already began to torture us by sleep deprivation. They sit outside our windows and hiss and squawk, crashing through trees and clawing at our houses in the early hours of the morning. You might think this is pretty or cute but they are luring you into a conceited sense of security! 

Do not be fooled by these avian fiends of freedom haters.

You've Got.....Syphilis!

For interest sake I joined up with an online dating service. Barely having time to socialise and well, it's Levin, I was curious about expanding my horizons. I figured, at least, it would be a enlightening experience of which I could comment on at a later time. Well, I scanned the page and within five minutes I already had something to say about online services. Oh.....my.....god! What the hell was I thinking?

First of all, any person who cannot string a sentence together in English should immediately be lined against the wall. When I came across several, not one, but several profiles written in text speak, I was already loading the gun. How do these people go on living every day? I would have thought breathing would be a bit to advanced for them to grasp. No, these people should have been drowned at birth! Even as native speakers of the English language, we understand, at least at the unconscious level, how the rules of grammar normally apply themselves. But oh no, not for these masturbating, spotted excuses. Do they hate English that much to slaughter it openly and proudly? Or are they simply uneducated enough that they see no harm in what they are doing? If it is the latter, I am seriously concerned about their background. I think some digging into their lives would reveal that they are still hanging off their mothers breast and gumming themselves for gratification. English, learn it! Love it! It is your friend. 

Secondly, the amount of thirty plus men who have put their ideal age between eighteen and twenty is worrisome. One even goes as far as to say "but seventeen and sixteen are all right too, so long as it's legal". They pass this off as age is no matter, but come on! It's one step closer to becoming a pedophile and they feel as if it's the most common thing to write. Get out and find someone your own age you middle aged perverts. Seriously, those who think this, should undergo some clinical treatment. "Must socialise with own peers as part of the fun of growing up". I don't think these people would even make it to my wall of righteousness, instead they would be pushed into a cage with several large men named Longshanks, Tiny, Bubba, Cookie and Daisy. Just think, food and liquid would be provided and money could be saved on ammunition!

And thirdly, pictures are not necessarily a good thing. Some of them deserved my pity, I'm not usually fussed about looks, but these pictures literally made me recoil. It was like watching tub girl all over again! These sorts of pictures a cruel not only for the people they represent but for us poor folk whose mind completely shuts down as those pictures are seared into our brains. Then there are profiles with the same picture over and over again, and every so often there will be one of them reclining on a bed with their legs open. I don't care who you are, these positions are just not sexy in a male. 

I need to go clean myself with bleach now...

A Levin Response

It's amazing to see after many years when people approach you like an old friend, how they toss back their hair and giggle over the past with surprising detail. It may just be me, but their faces and names are simply a dull echo when I am greeted by them. I can never remember what happened, if I liked them or even interested in what they have been up to since our last meeting. But they know! They prattle off a long list of situations, they have your character down to the last detail and who you had associated with all those years ago. It's down right terrifying to know that these people have kept you in mind all this time. However, once they have run over a the glossary of your life the questions begin; Do you have children? Do you have a husband? These questions have always amused me, as if it they were some kind of pro and con list of my worth as a Levinite. When I reply "no" to these types of questions they immediately begin to bore me with their children's names and partners. I can only assume that they are fed and sheltered by the drug money they had received from their latest batch of hybrid weed. 

Perhaps I need sensitivity training?

The Myth of Love

One of the evils of being single is having to socialise. Normally socialising should be relaxing and entertaining, but when the world is full of incompetent morons you begin to loose faith in humanity. Much like the economic recession, potential people are becoming scarce and I fear the worse for their recovery. Idiots find other idiots who spawn idiots to find other idiots, the vicious circle only continues. We fall victims to what we think love should be, not what it is. Most of us believe that there is the perfect person out there and that someone will unconditionally love us till death do us part. Ha! Lets not fool ourselves. Idyllic concepts are for the romantics who believe, contrary to evidence, that such deep love exists. I would go further to say that these delusionists suffer from Erotomania or at least have some sort of chemical imbalance that creates an obsession. If you suffer from this fantasy then you have my sympathies. I may lean towards pessimism but I do have compassion. 

Naturally, love has been talked about for several thousand years. It has been the foundation of romance novels, poems and movies etc. It has also changed society in how we act to one another, preying on one of our most primitive urges. Even I can admit that I am a sucker for a happy ending, but what happens when the lovebirds walk off into the sunset? You would think after a myriad of events that left Mr and Mrs Prince Charming struggling to hold on to one another, that they would realise that the world was against them? That they should just call it quits and find someone with less drama and issues and lead a perfectly normal life? However that would defeat the purpose of love conquers all. Ah yes, whomever spoke these immortal words should be brought before the court and imprisoned for causing several thousand years of misguided faith. Omnia vincit amor! We are kidding ourselves folks.

It was John Lyly who first brought forth the phrase "the rules of fair play do not apply in love and war". Wholeheartedly I agree, both war and love are based on belief and we have ample proof throughout history that belief causes widespread suffering. Why do we do this to ourselves? Our limited understanding and ignorance makes us fight for something we do not wholly understand. Our rapacious desires cannot be handled and while our technology and our reasoning changes over the vast number of centuries, we are still so keen to stand up and take what we want. I think we deserve a pat on the back for that at least! Who wants compromises anyway?

But that is all it comes down too doesn't it? Compromise. We have our ideal partner in mind at the zenith of their standing. We eventually learn that such people do not exist and so we begin to chip off the sculpture in mind until we arrive at a small, oddly shaped pebble that bears no resemblance to it's former shape. And why do we do this? Because the myth of eternal love is ingrained into our culture, so in fifty years time we can simper and smile and say "at least I had that". It is a dream that we torture and twist and make fit into the complex jigsaw of our lives, turning a jewelled conviction into an ugly hybrid of compromise and stability. 

The Golden Calves

It finally happened. A surge of insight that fired and reproduced neurones in the fleshy grey matter of my brain. The moment of clarity arrived when I observed a girl being touched by her peers, each chanting compliments and hiding their envy through thinly veiled praise. I was terrified by this open display of devotion, so much so, I moved a lighting bolt distance away from the girl and kept one eye cast to the sky. There is something about the human condition that makes us all gibber with excitement when we cross paths with the famous. But when there are no starlets to be had, we content ourselves with someone from our own social hierarchy. They are the chosen ones, destined to do great in all aspects of life whether it is love, work or experience. These pinnacles of aspiration can be spotted from a crowd and they bask in the adoration of their followers. These people are the Golden Calves of society, false idols that serve as a reminder that we, the common, will never be accepted unless we conform to the worship that they delight in. 

I am a self proclaimed scavenger of society, I circle around a varied number of social packs picking off the weak and the sick. Always on the periphery of gatherings I watch and bide my time to swoop in and feed off the carcasses. As a true scavenger, I fastened a guise of politeness and interest that allows me to walk from one pack to another. It was such a disguise that led me to the Golden Calves. We view these people with a certain amount of righteous malice that can be mistaken for envy. Since society has claimed that these approval junkies are the epitome of standards, we the outcasts, gnaw on our own livers and wrack our minds to find the answer to this complex riddle. Why them? Why not us outcasts whose ideals and observations are far more grounded than theirs? The days of honour and loyalty are far behind us and the Golden Calves hold no stable moral standard. It changes according to their desires and this fluctuation is what makes them into the diseased predators of our society. Fed with tarnished silver spoons from infancy they are not to be envied but pitied. 

It is extremely hard to let go in situations where we are passed over because a Golden Calf has entered the scene. But taking a step back, would we want their position in the hierarchy? As scavengers we are genetically wired to survive, we are the thinkers, plotters and realists of our world. We are loyal only to our own and favour our intelligence with a startling amount of affection. For every Golden Calf there is one of us, the murky grey area between dark and light, holding our cards close to our chest as we contemplate our next move. Golden Calves are malleable; we prey on their insecurities, we twist their words and all the while pity them for being so. It is too easy to fall into envy for these forerunners of a changing society. They are the first to fall, we know this because we help bring it about. We keep the balance of society, we don't worship or fawn over others, nor do we expect it in return. We are simply the deciders of change and with effortless ease we put our pawns into position. 

Should We Classify Humans As Evolved Beings?

WARNING! In many ways the body is designed only for survival with 

suitable functions for the following work: Eating, sleeping and fornicating. 

Failure to acknowledge such functions may result in hunger, realisation 

and/or self service. Stay alert, watch what you are doing and use common

 sense where applicable. Resist functions while you are tired or under the

influence of drugs, alcohol or medication. A moment of inattention while in 

public may result in serious personal injury. Dress properly. Do not wear 

out of date clothing or jewellery. Keep your hair and clothing clean at all times.

Do not overreach. Keep proper formalities and respect others opinions. This

enables better control of dignity in unexpected situations. Keep greetings short

and clean. Check for misunderstandings or subtle insults in conversation that

may effect social manipulation. If damaged, have the speech repaired before

further contact with others. Many accidents are caused by poorly maintained

conversations. Negligence will result with eating, sleeping and fornicating while rendering civilisation obsolete.